Being your mom is the greatest joy in my life. I wish I had had the courage to say those words to you before you left for college today. As you saw– but tried not to see–my tears came more easily than my words. And the last thing you wanted today was another talk from Mom. The tears already were too much. I understand. The moment belonged to you. Not to me.
I saw how energized, how eager you were to jump in your car this morning and to be on your way. It almost hurt to see how easily you raced out the door. It seemed you forgot how hard it was for you to get out of bed this past school year. Today it was easy. I wish it had not been so easy. I wanted you to hang around for a few more minutes, to show me it was as difficult for you to leave as it was for me to let you leave.
I thought about how slow you were to want to leave the warmth and security of my womb. You had me thinking you were going to stay in there for another nine months. And just a few short years later and I watch as you leave me a second time, but this time there is none of the old reluctance. I know it is part of my job to let you go, and I will try, but I guess I miss the old reluctance. This time you cut the umbilical cord without a look back. I’m proud of you.
Tonight your bedroom will be empty for the first time in eighteen years. The noises that filled your room–and that I regularly complained about–won’t be there. I fear the quiet because I know it will stay. I wonder how many times I will walk into your room to look for you before my brain resets itself. I won’t see your sleepy face tomorrow morning. I won’t hear you say goodbye to your dog before you leave for school. I will miss your voice echoing in the house.
In many ways, I am afraid for you. And yet you seem so unafraid. Maybe because it has been my job to protect you since the day you were born. Now, you move to primary protector and I move to secondary protector. I wish I had said more to you, prepared you better for the world, sat down with you and told you why I am afraid. I can hear you say now, “Mom!” You’re probably right. Moms are worriers. That also has a long history, beginning with your colic, moving to your potty training, and seeing you in the dentist’s chair when you got your braces. I’ve had lots of practice. Enough to qualify me for the Olympics, if there is an event called “Moms That Worry.”
The world is a big place. And it is a place with many people. I know most will like you. But I also know some will not like you. You will have much control over the first. You will have less control over the second. Nobody is liked by everybody. It is part of life. I want you to strive to be liked, but I don’t want you to sell your soul to be liked. Like yourself enough not to be untrue to yourself.
There is strength in numbers. So it is natural to want to be with others. I accept that you will want to be with your friends, with your teammates, with your study groups. But there also is weakness in numbers, a dilution in groups where no one takes responsibility and where standing up for what is right is hindered by group think. It is easy to lose your voice when others around you are speaking loudly, or wanting you to do something foolish, or urging you to join with them in the wrong things. I’m asking you not to lose your voice–neither your outer voice nor your inner voice. Speak loudly against stupidity or small-mindedness. Listen carefully to the little voice within your heart. It is a far more trustworthy voice than the many voices that are around you.
I saw the confidence in you as you walked out the door. And I want you always to be just as confident. It is a good thing to be sure of yourself. But, at the same time, do not be arrogant. It is just a short jump from confidence to arrogance. Confidence will help you find your way through the world. Arrogance will lead you to wrong places and to the wrong people. Be confident and you will have people on your side. Be arrogant and you will have few, if any, alongside you.
Try to remember that friends are not decided by the number of others on your snap chat account. Nor are friends made by exchanging a few lines on Twitter. In time, I hope you see that true friendships are rare and, because they are few, should be treasured. Friendships come from time shared, values shared, lives shared in the best of times and in the worst of times. You will know who your true friend is when he or she is still with you when all the rest have moved to somebody else.
I realize it is likely you will find love–or the start of love–in these few years ahead. It is likely as well that you will find heartache, if not heartbreak. They are twins rarely seen apart. Yes, falling in love will be one of the greatest highs in your life. Enjoy all that it brings. But also know that staying in love is where the work begins. No one works to fall in love. And too few want to work on staying in love, which explains why breakups are more common than make-ups. Your successes in love will be fewer than your failures in love. But your failures will be the better teachers.
Yes, it is true that you go to college for an education. But what you do not know yet is that most of your education will come from outside the classroom, not inside it. Inside you will learn how to get a job. Outside you will learn how to live. While you should and must learn the lessons that the classroom provides, do not overlook what you learn outside the classroom–how to love, how to lose, how to let go. Many people learn the lessons of the classroom. Fewer learn well the lessons taught outside the classroom.
As your mom, I can expect you to show respect to those who stand before you each day and teach you. They have spent years beyond your years alive gaining their expertise and their knowledge. Learn from them, which means you must admit that they know more than you do. You have to remember you are the student. It is their sharing of what they know that will give you knowledge. Likely, you will never know as much as they know. Recognize, then, that what you have is an opinion. What they have is knowledge. There is a difference.
I know much of these four years in college will be spent in your looking ahead and to mapping your future. After all, that is the reason you are where you are–to plan for your future. And while you have your eyes set to the future, do not neglect to look around you, to see the moment now put before you. Do not sell your present for your future. Once today is gone, it will not return. Fill today with joy and with fun, and the wait for tomorrow will not be as long or as tiring.
I hope you do not believe you are at college to learn how to get rich. If I ever gave you that idea, I want you to forget it. You are there to learn how to live. Money does not bring happiness. Living well and for others will bring you happiness. Too many learn too late that having all the greatest toys will mean nothing if you have no one with whom you can share them. Happiness comes from giving, not from getting. And that lesson, I suspect, you will not find in any of your business textbooks.
Please, be smart in the habits that you will form in these years because they will become habits for life. Once habits are learned, they are difficult to unlearn. Habits set up house in your brain and in a matter of weeks they are roommates that can’t be kicked out. So, while doing something looks like fun now and you see no real harm in doing it for a while, be smart enough to see that every habit starts small. If it is something you don’t want with you for the rest of your life, then it is better to leave it behind while you can still choose to live without it.
Believe Mom when she tells you that character is still something important. It is the sum of the habits you have acquired. Habits feed into character like streams feed into a river. Character is the definition of who you are based on previous decisions that formed your habits that then grew into something within you that is visible to people outside you. Because it is composed of your habits, it will be near impervious to change. People will remember you for your character longer than they will remember your achievements or your awards. Your character will outlive you by years.
Do not undersell your setbacks and your failures. These are teachers that deserve the highest regard. Theirs are the lessons most hard-earned and, therefore, these are the lessons most recalled. From them you will learn determination, resilience, and fortitude. They will make you strong. Dislike them as you may, you can learn their lessons from no one else. So see setbacks and failures as doors opened, not doors closed.
Some will tell you that these are the best years of your life. They may be–if they are well spent; or they may not be–if they are wasted. So much will depend on the lessons you learn during these college years and the kind of student of life you will become. If you learn the important lessons now and do not postpone them until you are further down the road of life, you will find each year ahead of you to be the best year of your life. Your best does not have to be in your past. Your best may be in your future. All depends on when and how you learn the lessons that life puts before you now.
I accept that the next time you return home from college–even if it is for a weekend–you will have changed; and each time you return here you will have changed more. This also is the way of life. We grow, we change every single day. And the day will come–I hope not too soon–when you will walk into your bedroom and it will feel like it isn’t yours anymore, a little like your junior high baseball uniform that doesn’t fit you now. You will look around and you will find little that feels familiar. You will feel more like a guest in the room than the owner of the room. That transition from a child to an adult is something I will not deny you.
But please allow me this much as you grow up and grow away from me. You always will be my little boy. And while I welcome the man you will become, I also will remember the boy you once were. Both will live in my heart until my heart beats no more. And I will give thanks each and every day to the Great Giver of Life for the wonderful years I had with the boy you were, and I ask him for enough years to know the man you are to become.
— Jeremy Myers
Sunday Brunch 